The Kagato Made Me Do It
by cyberimp6
Summary: A slightly more realistic telling of the last part of OVA Season 3.


Disclaimer: Characters and concepts from "Tenchi Muyo!" were created by Kajishima Masaki, and are Copyright AIC, Pioneer LDC, & FUnimation. This work is a parody and not to be used for any commercial purposes.

Forward: This fanfic is an alternate version of the last part of OVA Episode 20, "Final Resolutions". It's a good idea to have seen the Episode, which in turn will make little sense unless you've seen Episode 19, "Z".

**The Kagato Made Me Do It**

It had been a lovely wedding, everyone agreed. The weather had been perfect, which was not surprising when you considered that three goddesses had wanted it that way. No fights had broken out between Ayeka and Ryoko, largely because there were so many other females present that both had to spend nearly all their time preventing anyone else from paying too much attention to Tenchi. Most astonishing of all, Mihoshi had failed to break anything.

Tenchi put down the last of the photos with a smile. His father and Reia looked very happy together. It was a pity none of the Earth-bound side of the family could have been there, but the ceremony had been surprisingly normal given the aliens and goddesses present. And he had learned to savor interludes of normality and calm. His thoughts went back to the literally universe-shattering events not long before, which had eclipsed even the adventures concerning Kagato and Dr. Clay. Oh, yes, there was something about Kagato . . .

"By the way, Washu," he began, "there was something I wanted to ask you--"

"Oh, Tenchi!" Washu put her hand to her cheek with an exaggerated blush. "I've been waiting so long! I'll make you so happy--"

"Knock it off, 'Mom'." Ryoko interrupted. "You're much too old for him."

"But you're thousands of years old yourself, Ryoko." Mihoshi pointed out with her usual absence of tact. Ayeka made a mental note to be nicer to the blonde for at least the rest of the day.

"That's nothing compared to Washu." For once Ryoko was unruffled. "We know now she isn't just 20,000 years old. She's been around since before this universe began. So, she truly is older than dirt!"

Before Washu could put together a suitable reply, Sasami came into the living room with a tray of almond cookies and a teapot. "Sasami, what are you doing??" Ryoko exclaimed in exaggerated dismay.

"I'm just bringing refreshments, since Tokimi is our guest today." Sasami answered. The goddess, who was in her small flying form, turned with an interested look

Ryoko pointed a lecturing finger. "Don't you know that once you feed goddesses, they never leave?"

"Ry--you--aahhh!!" Ayeka nearly had a meltdown at this breach of manners.

"Use your words, princess." Ryoko smirked.

"You mean words like--never mind." Ayeka sat down, and Tenchi gave a tiny sigh of relief.

"But don't forget that I'm the same age as Washu." Tokimi pointed out. "And I don't look that old, do I?"

"You look like you're trying to fool us." Ryoko commented.

"I have to say," Washu added, "when you said you were feeling lighter, you really meant it." The flying Tokimi turned a lazy figure-eight in the air.

"Say--if it's true about your age, Washu, then you're older than the dinosaurs!" exclaimed Mihoshi. "Tell me, what were they like?"

"I am not--" began Washu with some heat.

"Actually, you are, sister." The small-sized Tokimi flew next to Washu. "We came into existence at the same time, remember?"

"I've been trying to forget, thank you." Washu returned. "Just as I've forgotten the knowledge of a Chousin."

"Still," Ayeka said, "we should remember to do something special for you on Respect for the Aged Day." Washu gave the princess a withering glare.

"Wait," said Sasami. "Does that mean I'm going to be really old too? When I join with Tsunami?"

"I'll never think of you that way." Tenchi tried to reassure her.

"And I won't either." Ayeka added. "After all, Tsunami doesn't behave like an ancient being. You know, even the first time I spoke with her there was something familiar about her."

"You mean when she explained to us about her saving Sasami?" Mihoshi asked.

"No, Mihoshi." Sasami jumped in. "You mean during the tree partnering ceremony, don't you, big sister?"

"That's right, Sasami." Ayeka nodded.

"Tsunami appeared to you back then?" Tenchi asked.

"She always does, when a tree chooses a partner." This time it was Ryoko who answered. "Kagato told me about the partnering ceremony. Big deal."

"Is that a sour grapes attitude I hear?" Ayeka returned.

"As if!" Ryoko said. "Juraian royals aren't the only ones to get their own ships. I think Ryo-Ohki is much handier. And as for being a princess, we know now that I'm the daughter of a goddess, so that makes me a goddess as well."

"No, it does NOT." Tokimi and Washu said together.

"Wouldn't you be more like Dr. Frankenstein's creation?" Ayeka pointed out.

"Big sister!" Sasami protested. "How can you say that!"

"Yeah!" Washu put in her opinion. "Victor Frankenstein is a bumbling ignoramus next to me, the greatest scientific genius in the universe!"

"That's not really what I was. . ." Sasami began, and then realized who she was dealing with. "Anyway, Tenchi had a question he wanted to ask."

"Oh yes, I believe he did." Washu turned back to Tenchi with a nervous look. "I suppose you want to know how Z could blow off a quarter of the planet without creating a blast wave that would level the house, along with most of Japan?"

"Actually, no . . ." Tenchi began.

"Then, how were you and Z able to talk in the vacuum of space?"

"Not that either," replied Tenchi.

"Then, what happened to Ryoko, who was right next to you when your powers went haywire and nearly sundered this universe?"

"Ummm, let's pass lightly over that one." Tenchi scratched the back of his head.

"Speaking of unanswered questions," said Ayeka, "didn't you ask Noike about someone looking through her eyes just before Z attacked?" Noike gave a nervous twitch.

"Oh that was no big deal, really" Washu shrugged. "It turns out Z was watching us through Noike's eyes."

"_What_?" Ayeka, Sasami, Mihoshi, and Tenchi exclaimed together.

But Ryoko had already chosen action over talk. Teleporting over to Noike, Ryoko grabbed her. "So you were spying on us?"

"But we already knew that," Ayeka pointed out. "She came from Grandmother Seto, after all."

"Don't confuse the issue, Ayeka!" Ryoko yelled. "I mean she was spying for Z!"

"Honestly, I don't know anything about that." Noike protested.

"We'll see!" Ryoko spat. "I think it's time for a thorough check in Washu's lab."

"Washu, I think it would be best if you used the scanner ball instead." Tenchi suggested.

"I think so too." Sasami remembered what usually happened to Tenchi and Ryoko inside Washu's lab.

"What are they talking about, sister?" inquired Tokimi.

"Never mind." Washu had been teased enough by Tokimi when she had wrapped Ryoko, Ayeka, and Mihoshi to keep them from interfering.

"Oh, no." Ryoko said. "I demand a _complete_ examination."

But the idea of the scanner ball prevailed, in part because of Tenchi and Sasami, and in part because Ayeka did not want Tenchi to see Noike and her more generous physical assets in the state of undress that usually happened in the lab. The next minute or so saw a flurry of activity and profanity as Washu dealt with Ryoko's objections by wrapping the ex-space-pirate in her super-tape.

"Third time's the charm, they say." Washu dusted off her hands.

"This makes four times, you demented old--" Ryoko began, still squirming furiously.

"I think we should get to Noike's examination." Tenchi cut in hastily.

"Fair enough," said Washu. "Ayeka, could you look after Ryoko?"

"Not Ayeka!" Ryoko objected.

Eventually it was decided that both Sasami and Mihoshi would make sure that Ryoko didn't hurt herself. A few minutes later, Noike sat in a living room chair with one of Washu's yellow scanning balls balanced on her head. Washu stood behind her holo-keyboard, looking mildly annoyed because Ayeka was peering over one shoulder, Tenchi was peering over the other, and Tokimi was hovering over her head.

"Good scientific work should not be rushed, you know." Washu said to the general crowd.

"You can't blame us for being a little anxious." Tenchi said, and there were several nods at his remark.

A moment later, Noike's cellular structure came up on the holo-screen. "Ohboy." Washu sighed.

"I don't have a PhD in microbiology," said Tenchi, "but I'm guessing those blue and yellow symbols aren't supposed to be there."

"You guess right." Washu confirmed. "That's Dr. Clay's logo."

"CLAY??" Yelled nearly everyone, with Ryoko and Noike the loudest.

"Does that mean Noike is another of Dr. Clay's robots?" Mihoshi asked.

"No, it does NOT." Noike glared at the blonde.

"We should send her back to Seto, just to be sure." Ryoko gave her opinion.

"Why didn't you wrap her mouth this time?" Noike asked Washu. The redhead gave an embarrassed grin.

"But what does the logo mean, Lady Washu?" asked Ayeka.

"Why not ask the victim herself?" Tokimi transformed into her large and semi-transparent form.

"Gee--because we're not omnipotent goddesses?" Ryoko shot back.

Ignoring the remark, Tokimi swept her hand vertically through an understandably nervous Noike. A small cloud of light appeared in the goddess' palm, which she let fall gently. Before it reached the floor, the cloud seemed to expand and solidify, quickly turning into a little girl with gray hair and a blue and yellow symbol on her forehead.

"It's you!" Tenchi exclaimed. "You're the girl I met on that planet being bombarded!" Behind him, Noike was staring agog.

"Yes." The girl nodded. "I wanted to thank you for rescuing me."

"Well, you're welcome, I guess." said Tenchi. "But I wanted to ask you--what did you mean when you said you were Kagato, too?"

"KAGATO??" This time, Ryoko and Washu were the loudest.

"I had _what_ inside me??" sputtered Noike.

"Don't you remember, Lady Washu," said the girl, "that Kagato was originally a hermaphrodite?"

"The long hair and the flowing robes did kind of point in that direction." Ryoko said.

"Yes, I'm his female side," said the girl. "He developed a strong hatred of women, and split me away from himself. You can call me Kagato-chan."

"A strong hatred, huh?" Mihoshi's brow creased in thought. "I wonder if he got that from being around Washu?"

"Hey! That's not nice!" Washu said aloud. _Why did the ditz have to pick up on that? _she said to herself.

"If we're going to have a Kagato around," Ayeka spoke up, "I think it's time to unwrap Miss Ryoko."

"Be my guest," Washu said, "but it'll take you some time."

Ayeka's miniature floating logs appeared around Ryoko, levitating the cyan-haired woman a foot or so off the ground. A streamer shot out from one of the logs, catching the end of the tape around Ryoko. The log then rotated with startling speed, winding the tape around itself.

"_Waaaaahh!!_" Ryoko yelled as she was spun like a human top.

"Or maybe, not so long." Washu re-considered.

"There you go, Miss Ryoko." Ayeka said as the last of the tape came off and Ryoko wound to a stop.

Sasami was looking at the rather greenish tinge to Ryoko's face. "Don't you think you could have been a bit more gentle, big sister?"

But Ryoko considered her freedom to be well worth a bit of nausea. "No problem, kid. I've been treated worse." She focused her gaze squarely at Washu.

The genius scientist hastily turned back to her holo-keyboard. "Yes, I thought this might be the case."

"What did you think, Washu?" Tenchi inquired.

"When you interacted with Kagato-chan, you shifted her manifestation point in the time-stream. This allowed Noike, as the ideal host, to incorporate her, but she was prevented from completely assimilating by Dr. Clay's seal. In turn, this allowed Z to use her strong desire to see you, to observe us through the host's eyes."

"Knock it off, Miss know-it-all!" Tokimi jumped in. "You were just as surprised as the others. That ridiculous techno-babble wouldn't have fooled a child!"

"You're right." Sasami folded her arms. "It didn't."

"Really?" Mihoshi piped up. "It sounded logical to me."

"The exception that proves the rule." Ayeka said too softly for Tenchi to hear.

"Wait," Tenchi protested. "The light-being I encountered told me she was safe."

"Boy, that's not what I call safe!" Ryoko gave her opinion.

"A case of cosmic self-deception." said Tokimi.

"So why would Dr. Clay's purposes include implanting Kagato-chan in me?" Noike said. "And just how did that happen without my noticing it?"

"Let's pass--" Washu began.

"--lightly over that one." nearly everybody finished.

"So what do we do now?" Washu wondered aloud.

"Well, if you remove this seal," Kagato-chan suggested, "I can merge into Noike again and we can assimilate completely."

"Just a minute!" Noike objected. "You're a part of Kagato, and you've been tampered with by Dr. Clay, and I should fuse with you??"

"She makes a point there." Ryoko agreed.

"But I only have the mass of a new-born baby." said Kagato-chan.

"I'm not looking to put on ANY extra weight, thank you." Noike declared.

"Please?" Kagato-chan wheedled. "Otherwise I might tell some people here about the you-know-what."

"If you are referring to the bath with Tenchi on board Kyoko," said Ayeka, "we already know."

"Uh-oh!!" said Kagato-chan and Noike together.

"What??" yelled Sasami and Mihoshi.

"Kyoko gets rather lonely," said Ayeka, "so she talks quite a lot to Ryu-Oh."

"Who then talks to Ryo-Ohki." Ryoko had a stern look as well.

Sasami looked at Ayeka. "Why didn't you say something earlier?"

"We wanted to wait until after the wedding." Ryoko explained. "Before we beat the living--"

"Before we administered an appropriate chastening." Ayeka cut in.

Noike held up her hands. "I think you're making too much of a little incident."

"Really?" Ryoko folded her arms. "Let me remind you that Kyoko keeps a detailed log of who uses her on-board facilities."

"And when." Ayeka resumed, looking ever more displeased. "Such as before you let us know that Tenchi was recovered."

"You let us stay worried about Tenchi while you were alone with him?" demanded Mihoshi, looking rather unhappy herself.

"And while everyone was still working like draft horses on the chores?" Sasami added. "And that's why you wouldn't let any of us visit him, isn't it?? So we wouldn't know when he was gone?"

_Why did the kid have to pick up on that? _Noike thought. "I--I must have been under her influence!" she said aloud, pointing at Kagato-chan.

"Hey!" snapped Kagato-chan. "Don't try to pin that one on me!"

"That one?" Ryoko's eyes narrowed even more than they had been. "So which 'one' should we blame you for?"

"Umm-- it's just a figure of speech." Kagato-chan said nervously.

"What about you being responsible for changing and sending the message from Mihoshi that brought Misao and the _Chobimaru_ here?" Tokimi asked.

"_What??" _came the general shout again.

"You can stop doing that now." Tokimi rubbed her ears to try and stop the ringing.

"Not if you're going to keep dropping bombshells like that!" Ryoko said.

Mihoshi turned back to Kagato-chan. "So you set me up to take the blame when it wasn't my fault after all?"

"That's sounding like Kagato to me," Washu gave her opinion.

"Wait--how can you say that was me?" Kagato-chan demanded of Tokimi.

"When I was repairing the structure of this dimension, I noticed diversions in the timeline. They were from the merged entity of you and Noike." Tokimi responded. Everyone else stared.

"But then that hasn't happened yet." Noike spoke up. "We haven't merged yet. Neither one of us is guilty until it's actually done."

Sasami and Tenchi paused to consider. Mihoshi looked confused. Ayeka and Ryoko, on the other hand, looked as stern as ever.

"Actually, some of it has been done." Tokimi replied. Since even a goddess occasionally realizes the inevitable, she materialized a set of industrial ear protectors and put them on, then continued. "It was Kagato-chan who set up the _Chobimaru_ to fire its prime weapon at Earth--and it was Noike's hand that triggered it."

"WHAT!!!" came a thunderous roar.

"How can you know all that?" Noike demanded.

"Omnipotent goddess, remember?" Tokimi replied.

"D'oh!" Kagato-chan and Noike simultaneously smacked their foreheads.

"You endangered all of Earth?" Tenchi demanded.

"And forced brother-Tenchi to go in front of the _Chobimaru's_ beam?" added Sasami.

"And got Lord Tenchi literally blown out of space?" Ayeka took up the refrain.

"And got my Grandpa's spaceship wrecked?" Mihoshi was thoroughly angry now.

"And made me fight the _Chobimaru_ all over again?" Ryoko considered for a moment. "Okay, that part was kind of fun."

"And just how," inquired Washu, "did you get the power to fire the primary, when Ryoko had made a Swiss cheese of the ship and all the reactors had been shut down?"

"That's NOT important!" Ayeka, Ryoko, and Mihoshi yelled.

"I think it is!" Noike countered. "It proves that I couldn't have come up with that plan."

"Oh really?" Kagato-chan said. "Don't tell me you never noticed that transmitter on your wrist before."

By reflex, Noike's hand flew to cover the bracelet that had activated the Chobimaru's prime weapon. "Squealer! You're still the main person responsible!"

Ryoko held up her right hand, and energy motes gathered into it, forming a glowing ball. "Why choose if you don't have to, I say." She held up her other hand, and gathered energy into it also.

"For once, Miss Ryoko, I bow to your wisdom." Ayeka's miniature logs began appearing around her.

"Wait--nobody really got hurt!" Kagato-chan protested.

"And how do you know that?" Washu spoke up. "Wouldn't you expect casualties when Ryo-Ohki blasts through a fully manned spaceship?"

"It wasn't that badly damaged." Kagato-chan pointed towards the sliding glass door to the dock. "Look -- here it comes already to pick Mihoshi up for Misao's wedding."

Everyone turned to look through the glass. But the sky above the lake was quite empty. The group turned back. The space where Noike and Kagato-chan had been was now equally empty. From the hallway came the slam of the front door.

"After them!" Ryoko thundered.

"Ryoko--no flying or teleporting!" Washu ordered.

"Why not?!" Ryoko demanded.

"It's the only way I'll give odds of just two to one on you." Tokimi was suddenly holding a piece of paper that looked rather like a handicapping sheet.

It was probably just as well that Ryoko's reply was lost in the scramble for the door.

"What an interesting reaction!" Tokimi remarked a few moments later, when the room was somewhat emptier. "I can hardly wait to tell them about the future Tenchi and the Counter-Actor."

"Don't you _dare_." Washu said firmly.

- - - - - - - -

Katsuhito paused in his inspection of the shrine courtyard. The noise level from the house at the bottom of the valley had been loud, but not as bad as a typical Ryoko-Ayeka combat. What made it unusual was that it was now getting closer. He moved to the top of the steps and glanced downward.

Three-quarters of the way up, and approaching rapidly, were Noike and a little pale-haired girl he hadn't seen before. What really caught his eye, however, was an angry-looking dust cloud further down, but noticeably gaining. There were several objects being waved energetically above the dust-cloud. With the eagle eyes of a master swordsman, Katsuhito was able to spot an energy sword, a large mallet, a frying pan, and a Galaxy Police riot baton.

And then Noike and the smaller girl came over the top of the steps, screaming "_Sanctuary_!"

T h e E n d

Author's note: Respect for the Aged Day is in fact a Japanese holiday, occurring in mid-September.


End file.
